Posted by: heartsleeve | August 18, 2007

Old Life

So in the midst of cleaning out and throwing away at my parents’ house, I found several of my old journals. One of them I kept for about six months, intending to send it to my friend Laura in Canada. I don’t know why I stopped writing or why I never sent it. Reading over it now, it’s pretty silly for the most part, and maybe I realized that. At the same time, some of it is pretty interesting.

Anyhow, I’m throwing it in the trash (I can’t justify keeping it when I already have way too much crap in storage here), but I thought I’d copy down what I think was probably the best entry in the whole thing. It gives you a little insight into how I felt at 15…and actually probably for most of my life.

 

Feb. 2000

I went outside tonight and stood for about 30 minutes. The weather was wonderful and breezy. Everything smelled smoky. You could hear the crickets and cicadas. It was so lovely. The moon was bright and the stars were out.

It’s hard to come inside. I like to stand in my backyard whistling at the wind. I like to imagine that I’m living on a planet far away. So far away that the tiniest star in the sky is the sun of my solar system. Maybe I would belong better there. Tonight was one of those rare nights where I feel that I belong.

I wonder a lot if I’ll ever love anyone. I’m pretty sure I’ll never be married. When I was little, I used to wonder how some people became so bitter and unhappy that they forgot how to love. I wanted a husband and 2 or 3 kids. I wanted a happy suburban life.

Now I just want to fade out.

I want to catch a spaceship and leave this little corner of the universe. I want to be happy. I want to love. I want to feel like I belong.

I want to go home, and I have no idea where that is.

 

Hmm… There are lots of things I’m thinking, but nothing very specific. I’m glad I don’t feel so alone anymore. I’m glad I found a place to belong. *shrugs*

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