Posted by: heartsleeve | August 28, 2007

A few thoughts on today…

Today I started packing all my things. I tried on pretty much every piece of clothing I bought for training and made sure everything looks good together and will be appropriate for the job. My room is pretty much a disaster area right now, and it is incredibly intimidating to think about getting everything ready for the next several months in just the next few days. It’s a lot to go through, but I can do it. I probably won’t finish the last two Harry Potter books, especially now that my mom has put the ban on all reading after my parents get off work. But.

I’m getting really excited about moving. Tonight I talked on the phone with my FA friend Diane who has been going through the whole hiring process with my airline over the last couple of months with me. She’s from Austin, and we interviewed at about the same time. We both fly away from Texas on Monday, and even though she’ll be in a different training class and won’t be living in my complex, we’ll be going through it together and we’ll probably still get to see each other a lot. My first friend in Minneapolis! It was really cool to have someone to talk to about it who is going through the same thing, and she’s one of the very few people who hasn’t been critical of my decision to go through with it.

Right now, support is a huge issue for me. Things have been kind of difficult on the home front, and that’s the one area I usually count on having someone to back me up and encourage me. It’s not so much that I worry about not being able to do it without support — I know I can. It’s more that I hate feeling like I’m disappointing anyone, especially family. I know at some point, though, I’m going to have to break away from my family and have my own life. My mom has always put a lot of pressure on me to stay in Texas, to not travel, and to more or less stay on a safe, well-worn track. I know what she wants is for me to stay in Texas, get a “normal” job, and get married ASAP. None of these things are on my list of things I want to do, though, and they never have been (at least not until I’m a little closer to the 30-ish side of my 20s!) She takes it as a personal affront that I don’t want to do them — some sign that I’m angry with her or think she’s done something wrong as a mother — but it’s not. It’s just not what I want for myself.

I have always been the kid who liked to go off on my own and do my own thing. When I was 7, my parents sent me off to girl scout camp for a week, and a week later when they came to pick me up, I didn’t want to leave. I liked seeing some place new, being on my own, exploring new things, meeting new people. Pretty much every summer after, I went to camps and tried to cram in as much as humanly possible. That’s the kind of person I am, at my very core. I love to see and do new things — and she encouraged all of those things the entire time I was growing up. I don’t know. I know she’ll come around eventually and get used to it, but it’s hard right now, because it is scary moving to a new place where you don’t know anyone and not having her there to tell me I’ll be fine. And…that’s pretty much every situation right now. They’re all kind of scary and new and also full of potential to be amazing, and it would be really nice to have some word of encouragement from her or for her to believe that things will turn out well, too. My mom is my backbone, and without her support, it’s really tough. Plus, I absolutely hate feeling like I’m making her sad. 😦

On the up side, I am getting a lot of support from one really unexpected quarter, and I feel really lucky to have that right now. It came at just the right moment, too, when I most needed a friend, someone to lean on and remind me that there’s a lot to look forward to. Moreover, it’s coming from someone who has always meant a lot to me, but that for a long time, I didn’t know if they’d ever be part of my life at all. So…it’s been really nice to have them around. The support couldn’t be more needed or more appreciated. I seriously don’t know if I could be doing this right now without it.

So yeah. That’s how things stand right now. Everything’s a little scary, but super exciting, and I have no idea how I’m going to get everything ready in five days!


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