Posted by: heartsleeve | September 1, 2007


Yesterday I went and spent some time with my grandmother. She began talking about her children and how little they turned out as she hoped they would. The eldest daughter, particularly, she’d had high hopes for. Like my grandmother, she was very smart and more on the serious side, made good grades, and was salutatorian of her high school class. My grandmother had really hoped she would go to college and make something of herself. (I think this was always the thing my grandmother had hoped she could do for herself — unfortunately her father wouldn’t let her.) Instead, though, my aunt got a summer job working out at the army depot after high school and ended up taking a perment job there, where she met and married a man who was much older than she was, divorced, and had five children. It was very disappointing. But then, it had been that way with so many of her plans. She said to me, “You don’t know where you’re going when you start, Katie.” But then after a second, she cracked a grin and said, “But wouldn’t life be boring if you did?”

I’ve been thinking about that a lot. To be honest, the uncertainty of everything is a little scary sometimes. It might seem a little weird, because I’m usually into adventures, and I’m not really into making long-term plans. (I can look ahead for about two years. Beyond that, it all gets fuzzy, and I think it’s kind of pointless to make any serious plans so far in advance.) But at the same time, I’d like to know somewhere out there, there’s some soft place to land. I’d like to know that at the end, wherever it is, my destination is a happy one. I guess happy is something you have to do for yourself though.


I don’t know. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about what she said. In my head, I see myself blindfolded and being spun around several times, like at the beginning of a game of pin the tail on the donkey. And then someone gives me a push, and I’m stumbling off on my own, nobody to hold my hand to keep me from falling, nobody to call out to me and let me know which direction’s the right one. It’s a very lonely feeling.

(But at least I know my life won’t be boring. I take too many risks, I think, for it ever to become that.)



  1. There will always be someone willing to hold your hand

  2. Well, it is said that noone can make you happy but yourself… you know, ultimately.

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