Posted by: heartsleeve | November 1, 2007

I am waiting for familiar resolve…

Something from this summer that I dug up and decided to publish. It pretty accurately explains a lot about me. Or, at least up until recently.

I don’t really think of myself as a pessimist. And I’m going to disclaim this because it’s been a long time since I’ve evaluated this quality in myself, so I have no idea whether this holds true or not, and because it’s been so long since I’ve had much contact with other people, I have no idea how people perceive me on this point either. I will just say that in general, I tend to be pretty confident about myself and my abilities, pretty optimistic about what the future holds, and generally speaking, I try to find the good in life — or at the very least, try to find the humor in the bad. (I find a lot of humor in the bad, actually.) And…I don’t know if any of that translates well to my blogs at all, because my blogs tend to be the one area where I really take the time to mull over all the bad stuff. And I really don’t know how other people see me, and I have this really strange feeling that I’m going to be seen like one of those Jane Austen characters who are always claiming to be one thing, while all their behavior betrays them for being exactly the opposite. =P All the same, I try to think happy thoughts and am pretty satisfied with my life. Especially right now. There is only one way my life could be better right now, and…I don’t know. I’m so happy about the entire rest of the situation, that I’m completely okay with that one small setback. It’s not permanent, and I just feel…lucky to be in the situation at all. See? Optimist. 🙂

But here’s the thing. When it comes to the really big things in life, to the things that I really want for myself (and I’m talking about the over all big picture stuff here), I’m relatively certain I won’t ever get them. I have no idea why I think like that, really, but I always have. The big things on this list include falling in love and having a family of my own. They are the things I want so much, for the most part, I don’t even allow myself to think seriously about them. I think it’s just better to think I’ll never have them, so that way I’m not disappointed when they don’t happen. Which…I don’t know. I hate to be so negative about anything, but I think it’s my way of dealing with things sometimes. I can’t be disappointed if I never thought I’d have it anyhow, and not worrying about the impossible stuff allows me to focus on other things that I can have — like traveling the world.

I don’t know why I feel so certain about this stuff. Sometimes I think it’s a lifetime of my mother telling me she doesn’t know who will ever put up with me, or constantly reminding me that my track record with guys isn’t very good, or that the chances of anyone being happy are slim to none, and they become exponentially less when it comes to someone like me (which is sort of a compliment, but). When your own mother doesn’t believe you will someday find someone who will love you, I don’t know how you can ever expect it of yourself. 😦 Sometimes I think it’s just because I’m slow to trust other people, and anything that depends on other people, I rarely ever rely on. (And I trust people in the sense that I believe that they are being sincere whenever they say something, but I don’t depend on follow through. I also don’t hold it against people when they don’t follow through. *shrugs*) Other times, I think it’s just simply: I don’t think really good things ever happen to me. Almost everything I’ve had or gotten in the course of my lifetime has been through sheer force of will. The one thing I’m very thankful for is a lot of intelligence and natural ability, because I know that when it comes to luck, I don’t have much of it. There’s actually a running gag in my family about having “Fields luck”…and I’ve definitely got it. I’m used to having to fight for everything, and when it comes to some things, no amount of fighting can make a difference. I know, because I’ve tried. I think a lot of times the whole fighting part is counter-productive. So I don’t fight it at all anymore. I’m just resigned to the fact that some things will never happen. And I will probably never have the life that I’ve always kind of wanted.

I guess this kind of thinking goes beyond being pessimistic. It’s completely fatalistic. On the up side, though, it allows me to focus on other things which really are very important to me, and I really don’t worry about it too much like I know some girls do. (I have had girlfriends in the past who’ve pinned everything on getting married, and I don’t think that’s a very good use of anyone’s time or energy. In some cases, I don’t think they got the happiness they were looking for, either, which is pretty sad.) I try to make my life meaningful in spite of all the things I don’t think I’ll ever have. I know that with or without love, I myself am an amazing person, capable of amazing things. Life still holds all kinds of crazy possibilities for me, and…I don’t know. When people talk to me, though, about being in any of those situations that I don’t think I’ll find myself in, I always get this really odd, sad feeling. Like, please don’t hold this out in front of me. It’s not fair at all. I know it will never happen.

I don’t know. The whole thing is a kind of touchy awkward subject for me.


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