Posted by: heartsleeve | December 2, 2007

Oh god, what have I done?

“You can’t cross the sea merely by standing and staring at the water.”
– Rabindranath Tagore

I miss being too busy to think about my life.

And…until you’ve had days on end (especially days where you’re on-call and thus not allowed to leave the city where you are being held captive by crew scheduling) where you do nothing but stare at your computer screen and wait on the phone to ring (boy, family, friends, job), you don’t truly understand the meaning of bored. Add to this: 1) unsatisfying job (I hate sitting around), 2) no money to do anything of interest with all the spare time — not even rent a movie, and 3) crippling loneliness on the part of a girl who once defined herself by how much fun she could have with her friends…

It’s disappointing. And it’s hard to admit when you’ve made a decision that turned out to be a mistake. I really do think this job was a mistake. For all the opportunity it affords, I just don’t make enough money to take advantage of those opportunities. And I don’t have any kind of a life here — no family, no friends, definitely no boyfriend — to make piddling around here during my days off (or even my days on) worthwhile. Plus, because I don’t think I made any particularly strong friendships during training, and it’s been almost impossible to make friends on the job, I’ve given up on ever cultivating any serious relationships with anyone here. When 4 of 5 roommates are kind of crazy, and the only semi-normal one is never around (and could also be crazy and just is waiting to whip the crazy out on you)…

I don’t know. It all just feels like a big fat mistake. And I’m ready to make some new decisions. Ready for change again. Ready to pack my life up again. Ready to admit I didn’t get this one right. I don’t know what happens next. I mean, I have some pretty good ideas, but…right now it all feels pretty shaky. This felt right and it ended up being a disaster. And I knew all the challenges that came with it, you know? It’s not like I came into this unaware. I just thought I’d be stronger.

I hate making mistakes. And feeling weak.

And so as much as I’m frustrated with everything else in my life, really I’m just pissed off at myself for being so stupid.

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Responses

  1. don’t be pissed off or disappointed– you took a chance. that takes courage. i wish i was that brave! i can’t even decide whether or not to dye my hair a different color! 😛

    it also takes courage to admit that what you’re doing isn’t working… now you can move on and try something else which may turn out to be fabulous!

  2. thanks, kim. 🙂


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